Although my respect for Sexy Cripples Wolf and Kim has seriously suffered from their disdain for McDonald’s and Burger King whom I hold in great esteem, Kim’s idea of drafting a screenplay for a superhero not based on spider, bat or wolverine, but on a wombat (or sloth), has stuck in my mind, so last night, I decided to have a look into the cute little wombat’s wikipedia entries, to see if it has any impressive superpowers.
If you’re no experts im wombatology, you might be just as surprised as I was, but I found out that, indeed, it does, and the script almost writes itself. So here we go. Enjoy my trailer for
Rise of the Wombat
A MAN in suit trousers and a short-sleeved shirt with a not-quite-matching tie walks through the city’s dark alleys at night. Threatening music sets in. Frightened, he looks around as he hears footsteps behind, and notices a group of street thugs following him. His steps speed up, but they follow. The music gets quicker, louder, more threatening, as he passes turn after cross-section after turn, exceedingly in panic, almost running now, until he finally comes up against a wall.
The camera pans around behind the THUGS, so we see them marching up to the young man, who is cowering in fear before the wall. Their long dark coats flutter in the wind. One of them pulls out a butterfly knife, another carries a steel pipe.
MIDDLE THUG, laughing: „My my, look whom we’ve found!“
MAN, almost screeching: „Don’t hurt me!“
LEFT THUG: „Hear the piggy squeal! Squeal, little piggy!“
The THUGS are chuckling, the middle one a little reservedly, possibly embarrassed by his comrade’s lack of originality.
A sound like a deep, rumbling sniff is heard, and the picture vanishes for a second, as a gigantic butt passes the camera’s lense without a sound. As its owner quietly moves on the thugs, we can see more of her tough, furry, tailless posterior.
The THUGS close up on their victim, still chuckling and indistinctly teasing him. One moves back his foot and takes aim for a kick, as the quiet watcher makes her presence known by a low teeth-grinding sound. As the THUGS whirl towards their nemesis, their faces masks of terror, she ponderously turns her wide behind on them and starts approaching.
A dull clong sounds as the steel pipe reflects from her butt without any effect.
THUG, breathlessly: „Oh my god! It’s mostly made of cartilage!“
WOMBAT smiles at the audience, showing her rootless, ever-regenerating teeth and winks as the camera moves to close-up and we can only hear the desparate screams of the THUGS.
CUT to a gleaming glass-and steel laboratory.
SUPERIMPOSE „6 months earlier“
A high-school class, curiously made up of mostly mid-twenty-year-olds, is shown through the facility by a GUIDE in a lab coat. Most of them are not paying attention, instead joking and chatting with each other, except for one of them. A mousy, shy GIRL with reddish hair bound up in a tight bun, wearing thick glasses and a baggy wool cardigan stands alone, a little outside the group, intently interested in the configuration of sciency-looking vials, tubes and wires on the table in front of her.
GUIDE (off camera): „… and as some of you may have noticed, we at Insert-Villain’s-Name-Here-Corp place great emphasis on sustainability and the social impact of our research and development activity, which is why our cafeteria serves only fair-trade coffee and all our paper supplies are …“
The mousy GIRL stretches out one hand towards the experimental setup and flinches as she accidentally knocks down an empty Erlenmeyer flask which rolls off the table and miraculously doesn’t break, but continues rolling until it comes to rest against the wall. The GIRL looks around to make sure no one has noticed her mishap. She thinks for a few heartbeats before making her decision. As inconspicuously as possible, she gets down on her hands and knees to get it back from below the table.
to a close-up of a slightly shimmering wombat’s snout inside of an air duct. Sniffing suspiciously, it looks out towards the open vent where a glass flask is blocking its exit. It bares its rodent-like teeth and starts making low grumbling sounds as a slim hand appears, groping for the flask. The greenish glow around the wombat intensifies as it moves towards the intruder.
FADE to black, with a startled female scream.
FADE IN WOMBAT-emblem, cue WOMBAT theme music.